Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
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