Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
