im six kinds of drunk right now
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
