i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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