i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
