Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
