I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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