his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
worst night to have a conscience
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
