not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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