my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Just invented taco cereal.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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