I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
