I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
