im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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