rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
