I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
