he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
