She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
