Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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