When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
