you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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