I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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