did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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