I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Randomize
