How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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