omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Randomize
