Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
