So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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