Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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