yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
