Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
