you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
