tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Randomize
