i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
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