Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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