You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
