Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
