I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
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