Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
