Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I'm always down for nudity.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
