allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
