I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
