Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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