I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
