would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
