im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
