In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
