Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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