We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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