I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
