I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize
