I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
