i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
