I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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