jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
