forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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